I’M STILL HERE (I’M NOT JOAQUIN’ING!) STATEMENT, MAY 2021.

I’ve been watching a lot of movies, a lot of horror movies. 

As I have my morning coffee, I check if Shudder added any new movies overnight. It seems they dropped a new movie every few days in February and March; they are slowing down a little heading into May. There is something special about a Shudder Original that holds a lot of weight for me. Generally, the Originals are horror movies for horror fans - very “a comic’s comic”. 

I enjoy learning, understanding the process of the filmmaker. Film is a team sport (unlike my studio practice but like my pedagogical practice) so I often remind myself it is not just the writer’s movie or just the director’s movie. But even so, with all that teamwork, I can’t stop looking for the hand of the maker in these deeply personal but oh-so-relatable nightmares. I like that I can see the seams, the inspiration, the happiness, and the fury channeled into a very small cast of characters. Horror films* movies written / shot / produced / whatever the right words are, during the pandemic are so effective with very small casts. A smaller cast allows the maker to reallllllly lean into that claustrophobic, suffocating space of fear. A man does not need to be seen in a parking garage for me to be afraid while walking to my car. Some of the best acting in horror is done by just the eyes. (Helllllo, that girl crying in The Blair Witch Project!!)

I have not been in the studio. Everything has completely changed in the last year and I do not want to be locked away, polka dotting vintage fabric with a sewing pin head listening to the same three songs for hours on end. I want to be hunched in my chair writing, connecting all the red strings in my head like Charlie and Pepe Silvia.

I’m enjoying this Spongebobian moment, soaking in whatever interests me. I’m settling into a research practice that is much like my studio practice; there are a lot of plates spinning at once but happily to the beat of whatever gay dance mix is on in the background. All Work Is Studio Work, All Work Is Research.

I wanted to say hi. I’m still here and not in a Joaquin Phoenix fake career switch way - this is happening! Researching and writing are my work right now. I saw a meme recently “but would your thesis defend YOU??” I mean, that is the goal right?! This is a statement, yes, but it’s also a diary check-in. I’m still using this diary even though I haven’t shared any statements since 2019.

*I saw on the Internet recently that “it’s only a film if you are watching it with a beautiful woman” and I love it so much I’ve decided that is how I will differentiate between movies and film because, to me, they are the same. Or if I’m being honest, a film is something like ~*more pretentious*~, more High Art but that is such bullshit. I would rather delineate film v. movie based on Gay Shit.